I am currently 36 weeks pregnant.
I quit my job last week.
I moved last week.
This week I got to sleep in.
This week I got to spend time with my family.
This week I got to organize for my little baby who is on his way anytime now.
Life is different when you actually have time for things. Its different when you do not feel rushed to fill all the extra time you have with a to do list. It is nice to relax for once, to feel like there are so many choices with my day I just have to choose what I want to do and I get to do it. No one is over my shoulder telling me I have to do this or do that. I am in control. Let me tell you the feeling is freeing. Not working for anyone, my time is mine, my own. It is incredible.
I have spent so much time working that before I quit I was crying asking Robert if I was really going to be ok with this choice. I meant the choice to not have a job. The choice to be a full time stay at home mother. Of course I knew and do know it is what is best for my child, but like any good choice we make I feel like the adversary tries extra hard to make us doubt. Luckily I have an incredible husband and he just held me tight and said: "This is all you ever wanted it will be good so good you will love it."
I am only in day three of not working and I can say that I do love it. I love the freedom and the ability I have to choose what I get to do each day. Working full time for the last five years of marriage and of course before that I never really had a say in all my time. There was work time and play time and I had to distinguish one from the other and plan ahead.
Cleaning and organizing my little baby's things I have had so much quiet and alone time to ponder and reflect. The world seems like such a scary and horrible place. I cried for a while the other day while holding one of his soon to be shirts and thought what if he makes a million bad choices? What if he does this or does that? I sat in the rocking chair just thinking and thinking.
But then, I thought what if he makes a million good choices? What if he does this or that and makes me so extremely proud? I smiled and realized that parenthood is not going to be easy, there will be hard times and times of trial ahead, but SO IS LIFE. Life is just like that, you can not run from it or be too ready. All you can do is trust in the Lord and follow the savior.
So I put that little shirt away and felt him kicking and moving inside me and I new right then and there that no matter who he is I will love him with everything in me. No matter what. It is this unconditional love thing that is incredible. I just love him, because he is going to be mine.
All I can do is be a great mother. Not the kind who has her whole "act together" all the time, not a "good mother" by the worlds standards because I plan out every little moment of his time with lessons of what not. I want to be a good mother one that the lord sees as a good mother.
The best example to me is the mothers of the stripling warriors. They doubted not, because their mothers knew. How incredible would that be? If my son doubted not because I knew? It is incredible.
I will work my hardest at being the best mother I can be. Heavenly Father chose me to be this little one's mother. I am so grateful so grateful I can bring a life into this world. I am so grateful that I am able to become a mother. I hope I can be a good mother a loving kind and gentle mother.
But more than anything I want to be a mother who loves God with her whole heart. A mother who doubts not but believes a mother who teaches her children to learn to have a testimony of the same.
I am not overwhelmed anymore with who my child may or may not grow to become... possibly good or bad choices he may make some day. Because I have faith all will be well. God is sending him to Robert and I because with us he has the best chance. Being with us he has all he needs to be all that God intends him to be, because God does not send us down here to fail. God knows what he is doing, and I will not fear or worry, but I will have faith and love my little guy forever and all will be well.
There is just no point to worrying. It happens but I have learned to push it out. Worrying is just the opposite of helpful. It drowns out all reason and makes you feel overwhelmed and out of control.
So I am going to be a stay at home mom. I am going to not miss out on a thing. I am raising this child, me. (or course Robert too). The feeling is incredible, it is all I ever wanted for my child, because it is what I got growing up. I am so blessed to be able to stay at home with my baby. So so so so blessed. I do not judge others who do differently just so you know. Some mothers can handle a job and a baby but from my life experience my job would have taken the best from me and left me with left overs to give to my baby and I think my baby deserves better. This is just me, and just how I am, I understand people are different. I also understand some mothers who would jump in a heart beat to be able to stay home full time with their baby and who can not do to finances. For them I know that with time you will receive all the desires of your heart in righteousness. For Robert and I, we had to wait till he graduated school until I could quit my job. I had to wait five years. For some that may not feel like much. But for us it felt like a whole life time. It was right for us to wait, I did not see why then but now I do.
'So, these are my thoughts my desires my hopes my fears. These are everything I have been thinking. I am excited for this next life journey God is granting to me. I know it will not be easy but I know there will be lots of Joy with what ever pain, and like always with God all things are possible and with God and faith life will be beautiful.
now, if he would just get here already...
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