Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Thoughts from a pregnant lady's heart

Hi, I am Kayla

I am currently 36 weeks pregnant.
I quit my job last week.
I moved last week.

This week I got to sleep in.
This week I got to spend time with my family.
This week I got to organize for my little baby who is on his way anytime now.

Life is different when you actually have time for things. Its different when you do not feel rushed to fill all the extra time you have with a to do list. It is nice to relax for once, to feel like there are so many choices with my day I just have to choose what I want to do and I get to do it. No one is over my shoulder telling me I have to do this or do that. I am in control. Let me tell you the feeling is freeing. Not working for anyone, my time is mine, my own. It is incredible.

I have spent so much time working that before I quit I was crying asking Robert if I was really going to be ok with this choice. I meant the choice to not have a job. The choice to be a full time stay at home mother. Of course I knew and do know it is what is best for my child, but like any good choice we make I feel like the adversary tries extra hard to make us doubt. Luckily I have an incredible husband and he just held me tight and said: "This is all you ever wanted it will be good so good you will love it."

I am only in day three of not working and I can say that I do love it. I love the freedom and the ability I have to choose what I get to do each day. Working full time for the last five years of marriage and of course before that I never really had a say in all my time. There was work time and play time and I had to distinguish one from the other and plan ahead.

Cleaning and organizing  my little baby's things I have had so much quiet and alone time to ponder and reflect. The world seems like such a scary and horrible place. I cried for a while the other day while holding one of his soon to be shirts and thought what if he makes a million bad choices? What if he does this or does that? I sat in the rocking chair just thinking and thinking.

But then, I thought what if he makes a million good choices? What if he does this or that and makes me so extremely proud? I smiled and realized that parenthood is not going to be easy, there will be hard times and times of trial ahead, but SO IS LIFE. Life is just like that, you can not run from it or be too ready. All you can do is trust in the Lord and follow the savior.

So I put that little shirt away and felt him kicking and moving inside me and I new right then and there that no matter who he is I will love him with everything in me. No matter what. It is this unconditional love thing that is incredible. I just love him, because he is going to be mine.

All I can do is be a great mother. Not the kind who has her whole "act together" all the time, not a "good mother" by the worlds standards because I plan out every little moment of his time with lessons of what not. I want to be a good mother one that the lord sees as a good mother.

The best example to me is the mothers of the stripling warriors. They doubted not, because their mothers knew. How incredible would that be? If my son doubted not because I knew? It is incredible.

I will work my hardest at being the best mother I can be. Heavenly Father chose me to be this little one's mother. I am so grateful so grateful I can bring a life into this world. I am so grateful that I am able to become a mother. I hope I can be a good mother a loving kind and gentle mother.

But more than anything I want to be a mother who loves God with her whole heart. A mother who doubts not but believes a mother who teaches her children to learn to have a testimony of the same.

I am not overwhelmed anymore with who my child may or may not grow to become...  possibly good or bad choices he may make some day. Because I have faith all will be well. God is sending him to Robert and I because with us he has the best chance. Being with us he has all he needs to be all that God intends him to be, because God does not send us down here to fail. God knows what he is doing, and I will not fear or worry, but I will have faith and love my little guy forever and all will be well.

There is just no point to worrying. It happens but I have learned to push it out. Worrying is just the opposite of helpful. It drowns out all reason and makes you feel overwhelmed and out of control.

So I am going to be a stay at home mom. I am going to not miss out on a thing. I am raising this child, me. (or course Robert too). The feeling is incredible, it is all I ever wanted for my child, because it is what I got growing up. I am so blessed to be able to stay at home with my baby. So so so so blessed. I do not judge others who do differently just so you know. Some mothers can handle a job and a baby but from my life experience my job would have taken the best from me and left me with left overs to give to my baby and I think my baby deserves better. This is just me, and just how I am, I understand people are different. I also understand some mothers who would jump in a heart beat to be able to stay home full time with their baby and who can not do to finances. For them I know that with time you will receive all the desires of your heart in righteousness. For Robert and I, we had to wait till he graduated school until I could quit my job. I had to wait five years. For some that may not feel like much. But for us it felt like a whole life time. It was right for us to wait, I did not see why then but now I do.

So, these are my thoughts my desires my hopes my fears. These are everything I have been thinking. I am excited for this next life journey God is granting to me. I know it will not be easy but I know there will be lots of Joy with what ever pain, and like always with God all things are possible and with God and faith life will be beautiful.

now, if he would just get here already...

Sunday, August 18, 2013

35 Weeks being Prego and life currently

AHH!! I am sure eveyone is like this but I want him out NOW! I mean I want to meet him sooo badly! I can not wait. Although waiting is important I know he is not ready yet... 5 more weeks? ah.

We had a few free hours after our birthing class and spent time with my dad and then took some pics! Robert took these with guidance from me! But he is pretty good? It took us a while... its hard to be the subject when I am normally not.

here are a few!

Ya I am not really smiling in these... two reasons one: I hate my smile when I am all prego and swollen... and two: its hard to smile and hold a pose and tell the person holding the camera what to do... so forgive me...I can not do it all... ha lol

Also my brother got back from his mission! We are so happy to have him home! :)

Its been pretty busy few months...
but fun!

We are now packing up our apartment for our move! Wish me luck with Robert and I BOTH working we have only nights to pack...

But this is my LAST week at work! I am thrilled! Ready to get baby's stuff together and prepare (as much as I can lol)

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Children are amazing

 This makes me sad.

I do not have a child... Yet well, I am prego you all know...

And let me tell you that being married with my husband for five years while it has its moments of ease is NOT having it all.

Sure we can sleep in and go to bed when we want. We dont have to get a baby sitter. My clothes can be washed and cleaned with ease and I do not wear spit up on myself EVER. It "sounds" great. but it's not so great.

Living a life where you are only focused on yourself? Where is the happiness in that?

How we find true happiness is when we serve others. And what is more serving than raising children?

In anycase I have obviously chosen to have children.

click on this link:

she says it really well.

Monday, August 5, 2013

33 weeks and a miracle :)

You know the saying good things happen to those who wait?
Well I hated that saying. WITH A PASSION. Untill, I discovered that it is actually correct.

Who hates waiting? (raise of hands = everyone)

I hate it. I am not patient. Not ever. I need to work on this. :)

So here is a little story.

In January this year Robert and I found out we were expecting our first child. OUR FIRST BABY!
Big deal. whaooo!! (you all know this)

We were thrilled!
Over the moon happy about it.

But the uncertainty of life happened upon me and my planner brain. I hit panic mode.

My dreams of becoming a mom now somewhat realized, I had a new fear (my old fear was that I could not have a baby) My new fear was that I could not be a stay at home mother like I had always wanted and dreamed about for as long as I can remember. (long time-specific memory of playing with baby dolls thinking one day I would be a mom.)

I looked at our life, Robert graduating school, studying for the MCAT trying to have him find work and inbetween all that HAVE A BABY.

Sheesh. Life seemed so confusing.

After Robert graduated he went right into study mode(after a week vacation of course). Now, this test the MCAT needs to take up all his time to study. It is an insaine test that demands every second and hour of his time. Seriously.

So looking for a job? Unfortunatly it was on the back burner because his test was a more important detail for our families future, if I had to work I still could after the baby even though I would hate it.

But, one day while I was crying and praying and trying to figure out what our plans would be, and how possibly God would make this happen for us I had this feeling. The feeling that: Kayla everything will be ok. Now, I get this feeling A LOT, because I freak out A LOT.

It was the kind of peace that you feel but you do not understand it. Why do I feel calm when I know everything is NOT ok. But that is when I had to think more with my heart and not my brain. I remember the moment I was at home waiting for Robert to finish up in the Lab and I thought to myself:

"OK I give up. I will not try and figure it out, I will leave it up to you. I belive that being a stay at home mom is a righteous desire. I believe that with my whole heart. So, I will have faith in you Heavenly Father, I will have faith you know whats up, and I will wait. Even though I hate waiting."

I posted on Facebook my status: I hate it when I have faith but not patience.

Robert came home late, as normal. He was overly excited.

Turns out on his lunch break today one of his friends was saying another one of his friends just got this awesome new job so after he graduates he is set. I rolled my eyes as he tells me this, I mean really? Robert? Rub it in that he is lucky and we are not...

He told me his friend that got the job was leaving a position opened in a Lab... My heart stoped. It could not be? Not that quick really? REALLY? (simmer down Kayla remember you are being patient?)

He said he had to talk to him and see if he can try and recomend him for the spot.

Long story short, Robert got the job. It pays enough for me to stop working.
Last week we found out his pay.
I put in my notice at work this morning.

I can not believe myself. Why I can never have the patience to just see things through. I have no idea why I have to freak out so much. But this experiance has shown me that I am not waiting next time to tell Heavenly Father its in his hands. I am going to do that first thing.

I am so happy.

I am so happy.

I am also a little nervous on what my new life will bring. I hope it will be all I dreamed of. (see? on to my next worry... sheesh). I hope that I will be able to be the mother I want to be, and nothing will be able to hold me back. I guess I do not do well with change.

I am so excited to be a mother, but there are times when I get worried I will fail or not know what to do or something. I know these fears are normal for mothers to have. I know that being a first time mom it is all new to me, and as I said before I do not do well with new or change.

But I will learn. Nothing will be more rewarding than being a mom. Nothing. And I will change, and there will be no better change than being a better me.

Happy Monday!

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